Harry Potter and the Clichés Parody
by Fullmetal Renkinjutsushi
Summary: This series parody's the various genres, clichés and tropes Of Harry Potter, both canon and mostly fanon to ridiculous extreme.
1. Heir to a googolplex vaults

I own nothing.

The strongest, richest and most ridiculous Harry Potter Ever

This fic is an attempt to create the most ridiculous and absurd harry potter fanfic in existence.

Harry woke up in his bedroom, because that is how most fan fiction began when they take place after the fifth year. It has been two days since Sirius died. And it caused him to change from a guy who followed Dumbledore blindly to an independent person literally over night. Even though it is scientifically and physiologically impossible to change that much that fast, if this story is to take place that had to happen.

"That is it. From now on I wouldn't listen to dumbledore. It has taken eleven years of abuse from the dursleys, five years of near death experience and now with sirius dead, this is the only logical decision. If only I made this decision when the man didn't give me any training to combat anyone! And I will not use capital letter to begin his name. " said Harry out loud.

Harry got out of bed and waited. The letter from the goblins usually arrives around this time in this kind of fanfic and wants to know why he hasn't been replying to their mail for five years despite not simply apparating to his house to check after he didn't reply for five years, just like real banks in real life!

Right on queue, the letter arrived, because if it didn't the author would have to write a bunch of useless filler conversations everyone has read.

It read,

Dear Mr. potter (yeah, I will not use capital letter to begin your name until you grow a spine, orders from Ragnarok)

As I have explained on countless fanfic, as it appears I am the only goblin around here, other than Ragnarok, You need to show up for your will reading and destroy dumbledore, as he is the one who had sirius (not going to use capital letter for his name either, what kind of person talks while fighting in a contemporary setting? Hasn't he read speech is not a free action on tvtroopes? That only works for the characters in Anime, NOT in contemporary setting with everyman characters.) Killed, stole your money and has been paying the weaslys to pretend to be your friends, which is good because you only made what, only two friends? And that too with people who couldn't find any friends of their own. Hermione is in on this too. Her blind loyalty towards authority figure resulted in her regarding dumbledore as composite of Ra and Zeus with a bit of Athena thrown in as per J.K Rowling's comment on dumbledore's "preferences". And of course ginny just wants you for your fame and money.

If all the fan fiction on this site doesn't answer your questions, contact me via this port key. It will activate in an hour. Do I need to tell you what the portkey is? It is this letter as it is in every other fanfic.

P.S. Wondering why we are not treating you with respect like we do in other fanfic? It is a Plot Point. It will be relevant later.

Signed

The only goblin in Gringotts

The guy who betrayed you in book 7

Griphook

Harry read this without being surprised much. He had been reading fan fiction for the past two days after all and thus knew about this.

Getting ready to wear his rags for the last time, since he knew after getting his inheritances, he usually goes on a wild shopping spree and buys a new trunk, he said, "All will be revealed!" Apocalypse Style.

As he stepped up the stone steps, which he knew he will end up owning very soon from all the fan fiction, he saw dumbledore being escorted to an expensive looking room.

A random goblin greeted him, because he still hadn't come into his inheritance and thus can be treated like a commoner, despite the fact he will own a hundred percent share of this place very soon and can fire all of them, but lack of common sense is to be expected from a bank that can't keep out three kids from breaking into a so called "top security" vault.

"griphook is waiting for you." he said, not using capital letter for his name.

"What an insult. Does he hate him or want his job?" Harry thought as the goblin guided him towards another high security room guarded by goblins with swords and spears, because they work real well against area effect curses.

Harry saw griphook seated at a desk along with Gringotts director, Ragnarok, who held the position for a long time in countless fanfics.

"Well Mr potter, have a seat. That's right, on top of that box. I still don't respect you, even though you will own Gringotts and may fire Me." ordered Ragnarok.

Harry took the seat without questions and looked at the mountain of paper work beside Ragnarok. It was literally a mountain the size of the Himalayas. How did it fit in a room? Magic!

"Well mr potter, (after seeing harry take his order without questions, he decided to stop using capital letters on Mr. too.) As you may have guessed, from the title of this fic, we are here to talk about your inheritance. Let's start with the numbers of inheritances shall we? Even if you don't agree I will still start with the number. We can discuss your powers later." Ragnarok began in a raspy goblin voice.

Harry only nodded, wondering just how many inheritances he had. If the fanfic are any indication, it should at least be all the family mentioned in the cannon and then a few more.

"Well, you are the sole heir to the property of every single famous wizard and witch in history, including, but not limited to- Merlin, his three students from that movie the sorcerer's apprentice, Balthazar, Morgana and Nicholas Cage, king Arthur, Nicholas Flamel, Baba Yaga, the four founders, the peverell, and a few thousand others the author can't remember because their names weren't mentioned in cannon. Do you have any questions?" Griphook finished

"Yeah, only one. How can I be all that? I read the fanfic. It is usually just a dozen." Harry said

"See why I don't use capital letter for your name? Ragnarok angrily asked. "This is a parody fanfic. Of Couse the author will exaggerate. And you think this is a lot? This is just your wizard inheritance; we still haven't gotten to goblin, elf, merpeople, dementor, phoenix, unicorn, dragon and every species in "fantastic beasts and where to find them. And of course there is your plant inheritance; you are the off spring off every plant in "one thousand magical herbs and fungi. Note that these are only species from the canon. We will get to non canon inheritance later on but they include anything on your Category."

"What do you mean by my category?" asked Harry, still trying to come to terms with all the inheritances, especially being the offspring of fungus.

"For the most part, series with everyman characters such as your self. Percy Jackson and the Animorph series come to mind, as does Lorien legacy. But characters that are not consistent with this setting, such as Dragon Ball Z are out. Can you imagine Vegeta following the minister of magic? He will blow the hell out of them if they tried anything remotely similar to what they did to you with the blood quill. The mere notion of the DBZ cast going to Hogwarts doesn't go well. The setting doesn't match. Ichigo would have blasted into Malfoy manor if death eaters killed his friends. Know the setting. Anything not compatible is out. The crossover just doesn't work. That is also the reason why this author will not parody that kind of fanfic, IT. JUST. DOESN'T. WORK." Ragnarok finished his lecture, punctuating the last sentence for emphasis as per TV tropes.

"I see" was all harry could say.

"Now that was the inheritance on your father's side or the magical side. Let's begin on your mother's side, shall we?" Without waiting for harry's answer, he continued "Here is the easy way to do it. Think of any family name that has gone extinct since the beginning of time. Note, I said time, not civilization. Time. Anything you can think of, its sole heir is you."

"Ok" said harry. Not knowing what else to say. Thus proving Ragnarok is right that he is an idiot, at least that's what the goblin thought.

"Now, let's go over your money and properties, shall we?" asked Ragnarok. Without waiting for an answer, because harry just proved he can't answer anything, he began.

"You have googolplex galleons in each of your vault, which is a few thousand googolplexes. But since you also own Gringotts, you can make money, thus your net worth is literally infinite, and also because this author wants to make this as ridiculous as possible, you can make any amount of money, from zero to infinity, within plank time. Are there any questions?"

"Yes. How can I have a googolplex dollar? 1 Googolplex is more atoms that the entire universe! Not just planet earth but the entire universe!" Exclaimed harry

"Ah yes, about that. First of all, it is a few million googolplexes. I know I said a few hundred a minute ago but plot holes are to be expected. And the reason it is like this is because this author read a fanfic where harry had more money than in existence on the planet, a hundred trillion. He just wants to make sure he topped that and no one can top him. To ensure that, any number anyone says, even if it is infinity, you have an infinity more." explained Ragnarok.

"As for the Properties, Any business in The muggle world is yours, including but not limited to Microsoft, Google, apple, nokia, any oil business, Rolls Royce, Mercedes etc. You own a hundred percent share. And you own every mansion, estate and island on planet earth." Griphook explained.

"I see. This parody is just in chapter one and things are already this ridiculous. I wonder where this will end when it is over. " Harry thought out loud.

"Well, it will end with you gaining every power in the superpower wiki, including omnipotence omniscience and omnipresence." Ragnarok said, spoiling the ending without a spoiler tag.

And now to Mirror the fanfics this one parody's, this chapter will end abruptly and won't be updated in a while.

Authors note: Stay tuned for the chapter next week. I will try to keep updates consistent when my internet is fully functional. Also let me know about any grammatical or punctuation mistakes. Reviews are appreciated.

Authors Note 2: The Various characters that appear in the different chapters are NOT the same characters. They are alternate timeline counterparts. They may share the same experiences from the other chapters in some cases but are ultimately unique.

This is to ensure I am not limited by continuity constraints and can write a chapter as the idea hits me without having to work it into an existing plotline, and to ensure crossovers between various characters from different chapters can take place.


	2. Plot Convenient Marriage Contracts

Here is the new chapter. I had this idea for a while.

I do not own anything, as you may have guessed from the title of this website and its meaning. Everyone reading fan fiction should know of the original work, right?

"AH, look. The author is back again. Let's begin the new chapter, shall we?" Asked Ragnarok, trying to kill his boredom from the years he did nothing in literally a million fic that got abandoned.

Ragnarok pulled a file from the pile on his billboard size desk, because one single 15 old kid had more wives than all wives in the wizarding world combined.

"Now that we covered your money and properties, let's cover the most important thing that a teenager reading this fic probably cares about shall we?" asked Marie Ares, wife of Count Celler, Position: Supreme Mighty Morphing Marraiger, department of Harry Potter marriage contracts, London branch, Gringotts.

"I am sorry, but who are you again?" Harry asked.

"As mentioned above, I am the Mighty Morphing Marraiger, because you need to be mentally mighty to handle that many marriages. Full name: Marie Ares count celler. So many marriage contracts, in so many fanfic, we now have an entire department for it." Mighty Morphing Marraiger introduced herself.

"It turns out you will be living the dream of every teenager. You are, by law, required to marry, have a mistress or a slave to each of your magical inheritances to continue the line." Mighty Morphing Marraiger continued.

"What?" asked Harry, as he heard this "unexpected" news, wondering whether it was good or bad? He never had much luck with the ladies, despite being The Boy who lived through Deus ex machina and being hero worshipped by the entire wizarding community. For some obscure, probably sympathy related plot reasons.

"Yes. You see, you must continue a line that was believed to have been extinct for thousands of years but for some reason the useless law remained, in the constitution itself no less, as it is on the statue of secrecy. It is also embedded in our tradition, culture, moral values etc. so you need to do it, even if it means having slaves and violating human rights." Marie Ares count celler replied.

"Wait what?" Harry demanded. "How plausible is that? Lines extinct before the existence of the government, for thousands of years, have laws to continue them?"

Ragnarok ignored Harry's outrage but Harry and continued.

"That is not possible. How can I have a thousand wives? That many mistresses or slaves are impossible too. Who wants to share their husbands? Also there is only what, five girls of my age in canon in Gryffindor. I only saw about five. Not to mention there is no slavery in the Wizarding world." Harry protested, briefly turning into smart Harry.

"You see, that is the official reason. The real reason is that the authors of fan fictions need a justified cause to get you with many girls. To ensure that actually happens, they made this law." Mighty Morphing Marraiger revealed.

Harry spluttered something unintelligible as Ragnarok continued.

"That also has the added advantages of not making you seem like a player. You are noble. You are just a victim of the circumstances and law that way." Ragnarok elaborated.

"And don't worry about slaves." A random goblin bringing in water assured him, because they have been talking for so long their mouths dried up, unlike in canon.

"There is a book in one of the Libraries you will inherit shortly on slave magic, which you will use in the coming chapters to enslave Ginny and Hermione for betraying you. And Tonks too, she is a fan favorite in this genre."

"To justify it, it is legal to use them on those who broke your trust by law and only works on bad people for the first few chapters. Then people will get used to it and you can use it anytime." Marie Ares count celler supplied helpfully.

"A million girls who must be with you and you are a victim of the law. Why aren't more laws like that? Then no one would complain about laws victimizing them", Griphook, who never had a girlfriend because no female goblin were ever mentioned in canon or seems to be present in most of the fan fictions, raged the high school rage quietly by himself throughout all this.

"Getting back on topic", Mighty Morphing Marraiger continued, without giving Harry a chance to continue, "Failure to get a dozen girls outside of your contracts while being your scrawny, spineless self is punishable by sending you to Azkaban, you will have all your human rights and magic stripped completely and irrevocably. "

"I thought inheritance magic is far superior to any other? Can't I just nullify them?" Asked Harry, trying not to think about a fate no writer of this genre ever allowed.

"Even though your inheritance magic is far superior to any, this is where it fails to justify the plot." Ragranok grinned.

"I thought that the "Harry goes to Azkaban" was another type? I don't need to worry about it in Powerful harry fic. And I just remembered another thing. I will inherit Merlin's library. Isn't there a potion that transforms me from my scrawny self to a 6'7 model in this kind of fanfic?" Asked Harry

"Yes, About that. That is not until several chapters later. The author needs to have that plot line where Ginny only wants you for your looks. Until then you are own stingy self." Griphook explained.

"Moving on", said Mighty Morphing Marraiger, smiling his horrible, menacing goblin smile, began

"You need to hook up with a girl in every chapter. No Exceptions. Dumbledore made this law by the way, to marry you to Ginny and take your assets."

"Just moments ago you said these laws have been in existence for thousands of years." Harry pointed out.

"Yes I did. But Dumbledore must be responsible for every tragedy in your life, from losing your tooth brush to getting sirius killed, so now he made the law."

"I am not surprised." yelled Harry,

"I just realized out of nowhere that she is not the one for me. Luna has been the one I loved all along, even before we met in canon I dreamed of her. Now excuse me for a moment while I mourn Ginny, because I am that nice of a guy."

Completely ignoring him, Griphook continued as Harry mourned his love of 5 chapters.

"On the muggle side of things, we have Megan Fox, Jennifer Anniston, Cobbi Smulders, Kaley Cuoco and all other Hollywood celebrities madly in love with you, even before the time they became celebrities."

"I have never even met them!" Exclaimed a dumbfounded harry.

"Ah but you have, my genre blind client. You knew each other before they became celebrities but Dumbledore erased your memories. They have been searching for their one true love ever since."

Mighty Morphing Marraiger, the heartless, materialistic goblin dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief as she reveled the sad story, because A list celebrities madly in love with you is such a tragic incident.

"Then why have they been dating other guys while denying it to the public and press even when they are photographed in the act?" Harry demanded.

"Oh, that just protected you from Dumbledore's wrath like your mother' sacrifice. All the men were just friends. It was love magic. Love triumphs all. Ah the sacrifices they have made…." Griphook made the profound proclamation.

"Yeah, because dating Brad Pitt and Arnold is such a big sacrifice." Marie Ares count celler remarked sarcastically.

"And it is not at all creepy and illegal how you are underage and they are so much older." Interjected Griphook.

"That reminds me. To ensure no legal actions on any author writing this kind of fic, let's age you up, shall we? All eligible females are now somehow 19, even if they are in fifth year. You too are 19 now." Ragnarok declared.

"How does that work, exactly?" Harry demanded, briefly distracted from his "misfortune".

"Let's say they failed and are stuck repeating grades. Considering the state of the education system in Hogwarts, with all the persistent adventures every year, it is not only possible but extremely probable."

"Why do I need to be 19? The age of consent is 18." Harry wondered.

"Since muggles are reading this fic, 17 being the age on Wizarding world don't matter even though wizards don't follow any muggle law." Marie Ares count celler explained, just as Harry fainted from the information overload, ending the chapter.

To be continued…..

Authors Note: The usual, reviews are appreciated and all that. Next chapter of this one will have all of Harry's potential suitors arriving to fulfill their purpose in every fanfic. Also, please tell me someone got the wordplay.

Authors Note 2: The Various characters that appear in the different chapters are NOT the same characters. They are alternate timeline counterparts. They may share the same experiences from the other chapters in some cases but are ultimately unique.

This is to ensure I am not limited by continuity constraints and can write a chapter as the idea hits me without having to work it into an existing plotline, and to ensure crossovers between various characters from different chapters can take place.


	3. A Resume Worthy Of Mary Sue

"Now the chapter that covers the powers that comes with your inheritances!" Ragnarok grandly declared, starting the chapter to loud applauses from the live audiences.

"Since all the fic usually have you put a drop of your blood on a parchment and a list of your skills comes out, even though skill means developing it through training, we will do the same."

Lord Powers and Master Lock, Co-Chief of Ridiculous Potter Abilities department, London branch, Gringotts, created to deal with so many abilities locked in various fic, began, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. They speak the same thing, at the same time, and are known as Power Locked when together.

"But to add a little fun, we will do it the parody way." Ragnarok stated.

"What do I have to do?" asked harry fearfully. Knowing the author, he knew it will be something really ridiculous.

"Why, remember what that medi-wizard portrait that suggested to Ron in ST mungo when he thought he had Spattergroit?" Power Locked asked.

"No. It has been a while since the book came out." Harry mumbled.

"Let me refresh your memory then. You will stand in a barrel full of eel's eyes at midnight during the full moon with the liver of a toad tied around your neck and a parchment will come out listing your abilities." Griphook Revealed, roaring with laughter.

"What?" asked harry, horrified. Then he brightened.

"But the full moon has already passed. And I have a bone to pick with Dumbledore and Snape, who will show up in the next chapters. Which means I need powers, which means you need another way for me get a list of my powers."

Shaking his head at hary's genre blindness and omitting an r on his first name out of spite, Griphook explained,

"This is a parody. For the last time, this is a parody fan fiction. Did you expect logic here?"

Power LOCK led harry to a barrel full of eel eyes, toad and tadpole, which magically appeared, and tied the liver of a toad around his throat, just as the full moon appeared, not because of the application of magic but due to the failure of logic.

As harry potter lay coughing up tadpole and toad like ron threw up slugs in book 2 while remembering Umbridge, a parchment came out describing his abilities in excruciating detail.

"Hmm, I see. I see. Everything appears to be in order. You are supremely awesome, even though you are supposed to be a plain old kid and an everyman in an extraordinary setting." Power Locked remarked.

"This mysterious ability can turn you into an actual, real, highly competent political leader overnight as well as allow the growth of a spine." Ragnarok remarked.

"You can also win the undying loyalty of people you had limited interactions with." Read off Griphook.

"An extreme plot shield, though that will be nullified in this fic, since it is a parody." Ragnarok stated.

"The natural mega super genius and ultimate and absolutely supreme grand master who ever existed at everything, until the next fanfic at least." Power Locked read further.

"The ability to draw thousands of pictures of various self insert girlfriends better than Picasso and Leonardo the Vinci is also included, as is the power to make songs better than Michael Jackson about her." an unsurprised Griphook stated.

"On the magic side of things, you have everything." Power Locked informed a Recovering Harry.

"What do you mean everything?" Harry asked

"Well, you can create and master spells that the founders hadn't managed in the last few thousand years on the fly." A nonchalant Power locked answered.

"You can also manipulate the elements: fire, air, water, earth, fungus and cheese." Griphook continued reading off the parchment.

"Hang on; no one has that as an innate ability in canon,"." Harry protested.

"A million animagus and patronus form and you are also a metamorphmagus." Ignoring Harry, Griphook continued.

"That is not canon either. Animagus and patronus take shape from the user's personality." Harry continued.

"I think this is a reference to how many versions of you there are in fan fiction. Split Personality tends to develop from all that." Power Locked explained.

"About you animagus form, you can actually become more than one million animals. You have non existent variation too." Griphook stated.

"What are Non existent variations?" Harry asked, dimly seeing where this conversation was heading.

"Well, here is how it works. Name any animal, and then add the word Dark or Shadow in front of it. For example, you have Dark wolf, Shadow lion, Dark Hawk etc."

"There is no such thing as a Shadow Lion or Dark wolf." Harry replied.

"Does anyone care? It sounds edgy, so it's good." Griphook dismissed it with that.

Power locked decided to start another plot point.

"Let's discuss your intelligence, shall we? Even though you displayed some good deduction in canon but made some monumental blunders, now you are the smartest person who ever lived, will live, or exists in any fiction."

Griphook started to say, "Your IQ is 100 Googolplex to the power of one million googolplex and"

But Harry interrupted him.

"You can't measure iq that high. There are not enough people that smart to sample a test like that. It already gets useless past 170. Also when did I take an IQ test?" He cried.

"Point is", Ragnarok said in a bored voice, "Even though IQ tests only measures how good you are at taking an IQ test, not how intelligent you are and is also notoriously inaccurate, it is a good why to drive home how smart you are."

"And you are definitely smarter than Hermione; you just never applied yourself because Dumbledore messed with your mind." Ragnarok added.

"You see" Griphook continued, "She was holding you back. You were a mega genius all along. But she insisted you copy her homework to keep you dumb and never realize your full potential, on Dumbledore's order, of course."

"I have not made monumental blunders." Harry, still coughing, suddenly exclaimed.

"Well, alright I have made a few mistakes, the train incident in book 2, not simply knocking out Pete Pettigrew in book 3, and getting Sirius killed….. Oh I see what you mean. Where has all these powers been all this time, anyway?"

"The reason you can't use any of these powers is because of the plot point where 99.9999999999999999999999999% of your powers are locked by Dumbledore", Ragnarok informed him.

"So now we need to unlock your super mega ultra awesome powers. Dumbledore is going to show up in the next chapters and you need to be prepared." Power Locked Declared.

"You no longer have an actual plot shield so the fact you defeated the darkest wizard in existence with your mediocre abilities will not fly anymore." warned Griphook to a still coughing Harry.

"Speaking of Dumbledore, It is funny how under main characters, this Author put Dumbledore and Harry but Dumbledore only had a one second cameo in the first chapter and hasn't appeared at all since then. Why did this author mark him down as a main character and not have Dumbledore appear at all?" Harry asked, frowning slightly.

"Wizards!" exclaimed Griphook derisively, "haven't you seen the category of this fic? It is a parody. The author is parodying the other fics where a main character is absent, usually for a long time."

"I see." Harry mumbled. Laying flat on his back, hoping the author will write the next chapter soon so he can stop the coughing and take the Diagon Alley trip, he fainted, ending the chapter as the screen faded to black.

Authors note: Well here it is. Reviews are welcome as are any suggestions. Requests for parodying other fanfic cliché of harry potter, ideas or anything else are good too.

Authors Note 2: The Various characters that appear in the different chapters are NOT the same characters. They are alternate timeline counterparts. They may share the same experiences from the other chapters in some cases but are ultimately unique.

This is to ensure I am not limited by continuity constraints and can write a chapter as the idea hits me without having to work it into an existing plotline, and to ensure crossovers between various characters from different chapters can take place.


End file.
